Mmm . . . Mush

Okay, so here's my anecdote. I watched the trailer for River of No Return yesterday, and while it didn't necessarily keep me in anxiety, it did cause me anxiety. About my own ignorance--note that this was highlighted by your reaction to this, which was basically to confirm how incredibly stupid I am, which is a laugh considering the whole Getaway debacle. River of No Return, apparently, features NOT ONLY my second favorite Marilyn Monroe-sung song, but also my favorite. Early in the trailer she appears dressed up in the costume of a Western barroom girl like Marlene Dietrich in Destry Rides Again, with the addition of a sort of long loincloth. Anyways, the point is that when she sings that she's got the title to something vital that she can throw her FENCES around, she waves the loincloth in the air all like "I'm talking about my LEGS!" I had no idea. I NEVER thought of that as being a double entendre. I guess I should have known from the way she sings "Ooo-ooo-ooh . . . lookin' for nuggets?" My alarm was the emotional peak of the trailer--the rest of it pretty much features fairly questionable-looking Adventure, but still, WE SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE, despite my very serious qualms. The excitement of the Marilyn Monroe/Robert Mitchum pairing is highlighted by an announcement superimposed on what looks like him raping her in the woods. Then, I think, they get married and go down the river of no return, which is an actual river, and while they're on it (or in front of it, as they in no way seem to be anywhere near an actual river), he claims that she'll soon find out why they call it "the river of no return." Cut to a band of Indians sort of halfheartedly tossing a rock off a cliff and near the raft. I was pleased to discover that I felt no anxiety at all during this scene. However, from the fact that in the song she claims that she lost her love to the river, the river of no return, I don't have high hopes for Robert Mitchum's survival.

Postscript: at the end I was shocked to see that this movie was directed by Otto Preminger.

- Caitlin