Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lay Down Your Anxiety, Part Two

33. Fear that you are being transparent.

34. Fear that refusing cake at an office party will brand you as a dieter, and that people will roll their eyes at you.

35. Fear of being thought to call attention to your own idiosyncrasies in order to appear to be a more interesting person—fear of being thought to do various other things for which you condemn people.

36. Fear that the high, hysterical voice you use to quote The Bad Seed is indistinguishable from your regular voice. Fear that you have an annoying voice, and what's more, people will think that you hit him with your shoe.

37. Fear of having been amiss.

38. Fear of accidentally drifting into the wrong part of the store.

39. Fear that expressing fondness for morally ambiguous characters allies you with actors who enjoy playing villains because “we all have a little of the racist/psycho killer/‘curmudgeon’ in us.” We don’t.

40. Fear of sounding like someone who’s just pretending to be interested.

41. Fear of using the office kitchen sponge—reasonable. Fear of leaving your dishes to dry in the kitchen—justifiable. Fear of bringing your dishes into the kitchen at all—impending.

42. Fear that it’s cancer.

43. Fear that your cell phone is on and has dialed the number of the person you are gossiping about.

44. Fear that people will think that you compose sentences in your head before you say them out loud—this leads to the fear of giving any thought at all to the things it occurs to you to say, which leads to public foolishness.

- Caitlin


Post a Comment

<< Home